I want my heart back now...

So, he has a new girlfriend. This has hit me much harder than I expected. It hurts, it hurts a LOT. I feel like I've been replaced, upgraded for a new model. I guess I have no right to feel this way since I was the one who broke up with him. But I don't think I ever got my heart back. I feel like he had a tight hold on it and now that he's with someone else, he's forgotten that he's holding it, but it's still there. I would like it back NOW! I want to be happy, but I feel stabbed all over again. God WHY!?!?!?!?!?!? Why have I been trying to do everything right and HE has the new girlfriend, and I am still all alone? WHY is my heart hurting so much now???? God I want to be free, I want to be happy but why is it taking me so long, and him not? AGGHHHHH
Why is my chest so sore right now Father...I hurt!

Smile...God is in control

I am learning...slowly :) I feel that since a couple of my friends, who were my sole source of information about him are gone for a while, things have gotten better. I don't here as much gossip, or news. I can't complain as much because there is no one around to listen. I have made a promise not to vent as much, only one day a week, if I must. So we'll see what happens. I am learning, maybe much slower to control my physical desires as they come up. I think that is the hard part, because they come up at the most inopportune times. When I am lying in bed, or in the shower. Sometimes when I am at practicum a little thing will come up and bring back memories. Hopefully I am learning to cope, I hope that he is as well. I still want more than a lot of things, to be friends. I miss our conversations, and ability to banter back and forth. Maybe that will never come, but I hope it will. I know that I am planning to ask him for coffee in January, hopefully things will be better then. One of my friends said that, that was a good plan, give him a few more months to deal with things.
I am going back to my parents house for thanksgiving next weekend. I haven't been there in over a month and it will be good to see my dad again...I have seen everyone else in my family at different times since I've been home. But I haven't even talked to dad for a while. I am looking forward to it a lot, and I am bringing a couple friends who are too far from home to go for Thanksgiving, home with me. It will be fun, I like them both a lot. I should take off though, and finish getting ready for church. Smile!

Aggravation

I am starting to get a little frustrated. I know that I am not able to be friends with a certain person right now. But this is getting fricking ridiculous. It's been 6 months, and still people have to send him messages saying that I am going to be somewhere so that he is 'forewarned'. Why do they agree with me when I say that things are not healthy for him, and yet keep doing things to promote his not getting over it. Maybe I am expecting too much, indeed I don't know all he's going through right now, but it is a little frustrating. As well when my friends ask me if I am doing things to intentionally put myself in his head, it pisses me off! Why...why why!!! When I am doing my best to give space and limit contact to help him get over it, do I feel like it's working against me? Fricking pooper! I may be thinking about this too much. But bah! It is so frustrating, and I feel like he will never move on when this is happening, I am trying, Lord I am trying...why is it so hard?

Summer

Can you believe that summer is almost over? I am back at school already...helping the freshmen learn about campus and different things that are going on. Weird eh? The Philippines was great super exciting and challenging and busy and overwhelming but awesome. I loved it, can't wait to see what happens in my next adventures!

Different note: I didn't realize how much hope I had put in seeing him again and the excitement that I got from getting to develop the friendship again. And that is not going to happen. My heart breaks all over when I think about it, and it's not my fault this time. I want to talk to him and enjoy getting to hear about the summer and be old friends. I thought it would be easy...but apparently it's not. I wish that we could at least trade summer stories...sit and talk about the summer.
Maybe later

Canada Day

A day to celebrate Canada...and my second last day at work until I return in August. I am getting excited for the trip, a little nervous as well, but I've never been good at not worrying about something, so the nerves are expected. Even anticipated, but still not dealt with. This past month has been good, learning to live by myself again, waiting for the next stage of my life to begin. I won't say I have moved on, but I'm getting there. Strange isn't it? I'm the one who ended it and I'm having troubles moving on with it. It has been a summer of memories though, remembering things that I had forgotten about last summer. Enjoying time with family that was lost from then. I find that I am enjoying being busy, letting work consume my life for the most part, and family for the rest. When I am busy, I don't have to think about all that is happening you know? I can just enjoy the time I am in, and not worry about the past or the future. It's the down times that get me, when I am least busy, that seems to be my worst days. But I am happy, enjoying myself as much as I can. Laughing is good, and I have done a lot of that this past month. I should go and rejoin my family.

Process

I think sometimes that I have myself fooled. I want so badly to be better again, and yet impatient for the time when I will be. I want closeness and can fool myself with memories and hide from the concept that a teddy bear and a computer are bad bed mates. They don't comfort you when you're alone, and they don't make you feel better when you want to cry. I digress, I am doing better, one day at a time. My heart still hurts, but the pain is lessening. What I desire most right now, is communication of some sort. It could be because I have depended on another for any information out of the college town, but now even that is slow or non-existent. Although, this desire happens most often as it is right now, when I am the only one awake, and long for a companion. If I go to bed when the others do, that desire fades substantially. It will be two weeks tomorrow since communcation of any sort existed. Is that bad that those 'anniversaries' are etched in my brain?

I miss Thomas. And I needed to get that down in writing, and knowing that almost nobody comes here makes it somewhat better.

Question (not related): Can you be a Christian and still go to a Catholic church? I realize that we need to be discerning when talking to Catholic people. However, if you ask them questions about their faith and they answer the same as someone would from a Protestant church...do we still conclude that they are not Christian because they are at a Catholic church...or do we let our attitudes change?

Food for thought